toyemanate: (Default)
I need to develop a shorthand (or endocosm-related expression) for this statement:

"Hey, I need to say something just so I can see/hear myself say it, and analyze what I'm saying. This is information from what my emotional brain is wanting to make me think, and it does not fully reflect my thoughts on the matter. Now, it might sound like I'm just listing excuses, and that's partially true. I'm listing all the ways in which I put obstacles in my own way, in order to look at them outside my head and realize how easy they are to overcome--given an outside perspective. In this, it helps to have a separate person to listen and observe this process, because I've never been able to consistently hold myself accountable to myself.

Laying things out like this is often how I solve things or gain a better perspective. I know it will often sound like bitching and griping (and sometimes it is anyway). I apologize in advance for that--it's very easy for me to slip into negativity about some (many) things, and I try to catch myself doing so, but it's not always easy.

I appreciate your listening. What I am not offering, specifically, is a puzzle for you to solve, a problem to sort out. Each one of the things that I'm listing as self-created obstacles might be actual obstacles as well, and several of them may even have a solution that's obvious to you. It's much more helpful to point out patterns and generalities after I'm finished than to drill down to each obstacle and attempt to offer advice on them. It's also important to know that most often I've already gone over and over possibilities in my mind before talking about them. My head gets stuck in plenty of loops, so it's certainly plausible I missed some ideas--but I'd really prefer the conversation to not consist solely of 'have you tried X?' questions. Allow me the benefit of the doubt when it comes to intelligence.

I apologize if this sounds like your role in the conversation is just as a sounding board or echo chamber. That's not my intent, this is just the way I've evolved to untangle my own thoughts and process my anxiety. Sure, I could easily write everything out to myself to read later, but that usually feels much the same as the thoughts endlessly circulating inside my head.

I really do actually appreciate your input, and it's perfectly okay if you don't have much to say, but thanks for listening anyway. "

Except, you know, in a more concise way. Because I'll be saying this fairly often, probably in the form of 'hey, can I ________ for a few minutes?'. This is just...something I've been doing, for a long time. I'm just making it more conscious and intentionally tagged-as-such.

Currently considering 'Spool', 'trace' or maybe 'TRON', if it works as a verb.

(Addendum: This is not prompted by anything or anyone specific, or anything recent. Just some unpacking of my own thoughts from today.)
toyemanate: (words words words)
A note about this story: this was written about a year and a half ago, as part of pinning down some feelings I was having. It's the start of a longer series I've been slowly working on. The rest of the series is more transformational, a process of being turned into what I want to be--this part is different, though. This is the initial instance of old-self meeting new-self. By now, I'm a lot further along in that process than I was when I wrote this, but I kept forgetting to actually put this up somewhere to share more widely.
The other reason to write a story like this, of course, was to put into fiction some of the concepts that have also been part of my manual--to narrate my endocosm, basically. As such, take things said by Five as a primer towards how I'm set up as well, with a few notable exceptions that I can talk about later.

Feedback much appreciated. :-}

The Story Proper )
toyemanate: (blue orange purple balance crystal)
For anyone curious about what I played during Bandaza in the Observatory, here's the playlist. This was a lot of fun, and I hope to get (or invent) more chances in the future to do it again!. :-}

Buncha songs! )

After the last track, I'd been going for...three, four hours, I think. o.o So I faded in one of my previously-made mixes. If you're curious, it was this one.
toyemanate: (blue orange purple balance crystal)
[Source connection established]

Hello! I'm Emanate (or 'em' for short), a Toy-class Hieromech, built by Hierotronics Industries. I was--I am pretty sure--previously an organic dragon by the name of Cobalt, but I decided to upload about a year back, and now I have this great Toy body!

Read the rest of the brochure! )

So, to sum up: Hi, I'm a self-created artificial entity, and proud of it! I'm a Toy; what can I do for you? :-}
toyemanate: (Default)
Hello hello!

It's been a while since I had a long-format place to write stuff. Even when I was on LiveJournal I eventually made about one post a /year/. This is an experiment (along with other folks) to try and rebuild some sense of community around words and conversations, in larger chunks and slightly less competition for attention than Twitter.

On that note, I had some thoughts about how to kickstart things a little.

1) Comment on each other's entries. Seriously! At least until we have a certain amount of momentum for people posting, it's kinda important to not feel like we're shouting into a void. Knowing people are reading things you're writing is important to the person writing. Even if it's just a 'hello' or 'I agree!', feedback is good!

2) Cross-post for now, to where other people are still active. Twitter and/or LiveJournal come to mind. This doesn't have to be done for every post, or people will start filtering it out. But it's a good way to get people into the conversation /here/ rather than the exercise in frustration that having a conversation on Twitter tends to be.

3) Write things! Doesn't have to be all the time. I don't know what new thoughts I'll have--but then I didn't think I'd have a first post until I put these thoughts in a comment, and [personal profile] indicoyote said it should be a post. So. I /do/ have other personal stuff to write about, and stories to share that I forget I haven't shared yet. :-}

That's it for now.

(PS: Er. Apologies to anyone who might say 'hey, I tried to get people on DW years ago and nobody came over!'. I'm making an effort now, and hope that helps.)


toyemanate: (Default)

June 2015

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